Cah tawk

It is of course well known that people here can't drive. The term "masshole" has definitely taken on a lot of meaning for me. I drove in Connecticut for approximately ten years and was only involved in two rear-end collisions in that span. In fewer than twelve months in Boston, I've been rear-ended three times! Tuh-huh...he said "rear-ended".

People in Boston like to pass you at exceedingly high speeds and more specifically, they are very keen on inventing lanes where none exist, especially to your right. This might be a very left-leaning city, but not when you are in traffic. If they can't pass you on the right, then they are perfectly content with trying to go through you, hence the obscene number of rear-end accidents here. The collisions occur, as I've reasoned, because the laws of physics say that it isn't very nice. When the laws of physics, particularly those outlined by Newton get very upset, things happen...this usually means that things break, such as cars. For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction force. See, I knew I learned something in physics this past semester! Unfortunately, people in Boston don't seem to get that yet. They seem to think that for every action, (smashing into your car, for example) others are perfectly willing to let you take that action without consequence. Where are they going in such a hurry? I'm convinced that in Boston, noboby actually goes anywhere. People with cars simply drive so that they don't have to park. Once you park, you are subject to paying steep parking fees or fines, whichever ends up costing you more. The great thing about this town is you can drive almost anywhere you want, as long as you don't expect to park. If an officer spots any of these rear-end collisions and you are the victim, don't expect them to come to your defense either.

Driver One: Look at that masshole, passing me on the right...

Driver Two: Look at that asshole, driving safely and at decent speed on this single lane road. He's so smug.

Driver One: He's going to clip me...the schmuck...now he's going to make me speed just so that I can stay ahead of the bastard...

Driver Two: Asswipe...what nerve, cutting me off like that!

Driver One: Haha jerk, just gotta follow traffic like the rest of us!

Driver Two: No I don't.

CRASH

Driver One: What the F is your problem?

Driver Two: Your car is supposed to let me pass through it, you idiot!!

Driver One: Yeah, physics...om it still matters!!! I know that might serve as a bit of an inconvenience to you...

Officer: What happened?

Driver One: Buttmunch tried to pass me on the right and then tried to pass through me.

Driver Two: It's not my fault.

Driver One: It is...he's supposed to control his vehicle.

Officer: Om, you can't park there.

Driver One: I'm not parked there. This is an accident scene, can't you see that?

Officer: All I see is that you are parked illegally. Gonna have to write this one up. That's a $50 parking ticket.

Driver Two: That's right. He can't just park in the middle of the road like that!

Driver One: But, this is friggin accident...what about him...his car is parked there.

Officer: No, his car is parked here, not there. It's there where you're not allowed to park. Besides, you are clearly obstructing his path...what choice does he have?

Driver Two: Yeah, that's what I was going to say...I mean everyone knows you can't park there!

Driver One: This is incredible. I can't believe this.

Officer: Oh believe it...$50...used to be a lot worse. We could only charge $30.

Driver Two: Ha, I agree. Charging the extra $20 is so much better.

Officer: Hey, you got insurance?

Driver Two: Me? No.

Officer: Uh oh...that's not good.

Driver One: Ha ha...sucker!

Officer: Yeah, you should probably get on that. I use Colonial, but I heard Northshore is good, too.

Driver Two: Thanks, I'll look into it.

Officer: Okay, you can be on your way.

Driver Two: Have a great day, officer!

Driver One: Okay, so are we done here?

Officer: He is, not you!

Driver One: Now what?

Officer: Do you have insurance?

Driver One: Of course, it's the law.

Officer: Sorry, but that's going to be another fine.

Driver One: What????

Officer: New law says you have to have insurance but you're not supposed to have it at the time of an accident.

Driver One: That makes no sense at all! Besides, I thought you said this wasn't an accident!

Officer: Right...well, the law states that if there is a situation that is like an accident but it is not and at said time, the individuals in question are carrying insurance, even though they should not be carrying insurance at the time of an accident, regardless of whether it is actually deemed to be an accident or not, then under Massachusetts statute number 1630, I do not exist.

Driver One: Huh? Om, where did you go? Hey! What about the parking ticket??? Can you make that not exist, too???