T for 2

The T is a marvelously convenient system of buses, underground trains, and commuter rail lines that take you just about anywhere you want to go within Greater Boston. Rumor has it that if you take the Green Line D train all the way, you may eventually get to Dublin. Taking the Red Line all the way only gets you to Dorchester, and you don't want to go there. I dated a girl who literally lived at the end of the Red Line (Ashmont). Each time I talked to her, she told me about another shooting that had taken place across the way from her. She had other problems besides, but the notion of a stray bullet piercing my brain was no small factor in my decision to cross her off the list. For all I know, she could be the shooter. If Dorchester doesn't do it for you, then the Orange Line offers other fine opportunities to be shot. Your best bet would probably be Ruggles, as there was a shooting on the train at or near the Ruggles T stop just the other day. You may also run into the likes of some really bizarre people. There was the seemingly nice older gentleman who asked me to try to zip up his jacket last winter, because he was having trouble with it. When he complained that I wasn't getting it zipped fast enough, I contemplated shooting him.

I arrived here just before the T completed its overhaul. Up until this past fall, the T was still largely accessed by tokens. You had to buy tokens and then put the coins into the turnstyle. Now, the whole system has been upgraded to comply with the 21st century. They call them Charlie Tickets. You go to the touch-screen kiosks and use the menu to select what kind of ticket you want, how much value you want on it, and then you enter in your payment information and slide your credit card (you can pay cash, too - but only if you are at a machine that takes it). To be more economical, you can purchase CharlieCards, which are geared for the everyday commuter. Once you buy your ticket, you insert it in the slot on one end and then it pops up through the top of the gate. The automatic doors then slide open and let you pass.

The T is the oldest subway system in the United States. However, for the most part, it works pretty well. It's nice that the trains are air-conditioned. Only rarely is the T shut down in spots for repair. When that happens, they are pretty good about providing you with free alternate service (usually via the bus). Most trains have automated announcements that tell you what stop is due up next. Sometimes those malfunction and tell you that the same stop is coming up over and over again or that your train is heading to Braintree when you know you're going to Alewife.

The Green Line is annoying sometimes because you never know when the next train will come...plus, there are three or four different Green Line trolleys that wend their way through the same first few stops, only to branch out into different directions towards Brookline, Chestnut Hill, or what have you. If you need the E line to take you to Northeastern University, you'll see a couple of C trains, a D train, and maybe even one more C train before the E comes down that track.

Even the Red Line can get on your nerves, because when you want the Braintree train, the Alewife train comes and vice versa. "Attention passengers, the next Red Line train to...(please say Braintree...say Braintree...) Alewife is now arriving." Bastards!!!

The only problem I have with the T is that it still shuts down at about 12:45 am or so. This has sometimes presented a bit of a problem. A girl I was seeing last fall in Brookline invited me to stay at her place for the night. I would have done, except I had to work the next day and it would have been impossible to get all the way back to Somerville, shower, get dressed, and still get to work in a timely manner. I almost stayed over, but this was another crazy girl I was dealing with anyway, so I wasn't sure I wanted to. Anyway, I thought I could catch the last train out. I had missed it. The cab ride home was $25. Meg later told me that I could have gone back to her place, and I had thought about doing that just before the cab pulled up.

When my flight was delayed coming back from Chicago this past April, I got in so late that the T had already stopped running for the night and in a few more hours, it would start back up again. At 2:30 am, I could have waited about three hours at the airport until the T started running first thing in the morning. Instead, I decided to take a cab. Incidently, that cost me about as much as it did from Brookline. On the plus side however, the T ride to the airport is about 45 minutes. With the Big Dig project all but complete and with virtually no traffic that time in the morning, I literally went from airplane to my front door in twenty minutes!

Every now and then, there's funny stuff on the T. There was the time recently when after boarding a late train, we saw a gang of young college kids, each hooked up with IPods, dancing wildly but silently on the train. They continued this eerie cultish behavior as they got off at their stop, dancing all the way to the station's exit. That might have been their strange interpretive re-enactment of the Boston "T" Party.

Cah tawk

It is of course well known that people here can't drive. The term "masshole" has definitely taken on a lot of meaning for me. I drove in Connecticut for approximately ten years and was only involved in two rear-end collisions in that span. In fewer than twelve months in Boston, I've been rear-ended three times! Tuh-huh...he said "rear-ended".

People in Boston like to pass you at exceedingly high speeds and more specifically, they are very keen on inventing lanes where none exist, especially to your right. This might be a very left-leaning city, but not when you are in traffic. If they can't pass you on the right, then they are perfectly content with trying to go through you, hence the obscene number of rear-end accidents here. The collisions occur, as I've reasoned, because the laws of physics say that it isn't very nice. When the laws of physics, particularly those outlined by Newton get very upset, things happen...this usually means that things break, such as cars. For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction force. See, I knew I learned something in physics this past semester! Unfortunately, people in Boston don't seem to get that yet. They seem to think that for every action, (smashing into your car, for example) others are perfectly willing to let you take that action without consequence. Where are they going in such a hurry? I'm convinced that in Boston, noboby actually goes anywhere. People with cars simply drive so that they don't have to park. Once you park, you are subject to paying steep parking fees or fines, whichever ends up costing you more. The great thing about this town is you can drive almost anywhere you want, as long as you don't expect to park. If an officer spots any of these rear-end collisions and you are the victim, don't expect them to come to your defense either.

Driver One: Look at that masshole, passing me on the right...

Driver Two: Look at that asshole, driving safely and at decent speed on this single lane road. He's so smug.

Driver One: He's going to clip me...the schmuck...now he's going to make me speed just so that I can stay ahead of the bastard...

Driver Two: Asswipe...what nerve, cutting me off like that!

Driver One: Haha jerk, just gotta follow traffic like the rest of us!

Driver Two: No I don't.

CRASH

Driver One: What the F is your problem?

Driver Two: Your car is supposed to let me pass through it, you idiot!!

Driver One: Yeah, physics...om it still matters!!! I know that might serve as a bit of an inconvenience to you...

Officer: What happened?

Driver One: Buttmunch tried to pass me on the right and then tried to pass through me.

Driver Two: It's not my fault.

Driver One: It is...he's supposed to control his vehicle.

Officer: Om, you can't park there.

Driver One: I'm not parked there. This is an accident scene, can't you see that?

Officer: All I see is that you are parked illegally. Gonna have to write this one up. That's a $50 parking ticket.

Driver Two: That's right. He can't just park in the middle of the road like that!

Driver One: But, this is friggin accident...what about him...his car is parked there.

Officer: No, his car is parked here, not there. It's there where you're not allowed to park. Besides, you are clearly obstructing his path...what choice does he have?

Driver Two: Yeah, that's what I was going to say...I mean everyone knows you can't park there!

Driver One: This is incredible. I can't believe this.

Officer: Oh believe it...$50...used to be a lot worse. We could only charge $30.

Driver Two: Ha, I agree. Charging the extra $20 is so much better.

Officer: Hey, you got insurance?

Driver Two: Me? No.

Officer: Uh oh...that's not good.

Driver One: Ha ha...sucker!

Officer: Yeah, you should probably get on that. I use Colonial, but I heard Northshore is good, too.

Driver Two: Thanks, I'll look into it.

Officer: Okay, you can be on your way.

Driver Two: Have a great day, officer!

Driver One: Okay, so are we done here?

Officer: He is, not you!

Driver One: Now what?

Officer: Do you have insurance?

Driver One: Of course, it's the law.

Officer: Sorry, but that's going to be another fine.

Driver One: What????

Officer: New law says you have to have insurance but you're not supposed to have it at the time of an accident.

Driver One: That makes no sense at all! Besides, I thought you said this wasn't an accident!

Officer: Right...well, the law states that if there is a situation that is like an accident but it is not and at said time, the individuals in question are carrying insurance, even though they should not be carrying insurance at the time of an accident, regardless of whether it is actually deemed to be an accident or not, then under Massachusetts statute number 1630, I do not exist.

Driver One: Huh? Om, where did you go? Hey! What about the parking ticket??? Can you make that not exist, too???

Little Boston

Boston, Boston, Boston...

Yes, Boston…that relatively small and utterly unimposing micropolis at the end of the great bay along the Northeastern edge of the contiguous Un-tied States…that not so hilly beacon of democracy and den of Democrats…the bastion of baked beans and inebriated baseball fans……there is nothing common in this wealth…you won’t hear many “r”s from anyone’s mouth. Tell your mum this isn't the South. All the guys are full of cheer and all the girls are....here. Have a brew or three...then bang a U-ee. But beware of the rotary…welcome all…welcome Paul. It's wicked, it's weird, it's wacked, but that's enough. We also invented Marshmallow fluff. It may not be all that lahge, but join us and get outta dodge. Or simply...dodge!
I didn't go to Hahvahd, but it is these people I will study...

Wicked Pissah...

Let's get to it...